Thursday, May 26, 2011

Lately I've Had a Hard Time Focusing

I remember right before and after I had my son's, they were all I could think about. My mind wasn't on anything else. It's a mystery how my work got accomplished. Experts call it pregnancy brain.

I had my babies at the best time of year for my work, and the worst time of year for me. I'm a college teacher. My oldest was born on the 2nd day of class, August 10. My youngest was born the week after school got out, May 19. I didn't plan when they were born. At the time, we were just trying to get pregnant.

It was stressful because I had to have everything in line for someone to take my place much of fall semester. I had to have everything wrapped up early for my youngest to be born in May. Of course many students hold things off to turn things in the last moment in time. I didn't know if I'd go early; final exams had to be ready to go ahead of time. I had someone taking my place for summer school; that had to be prepared for as well.

Today I can't blame my lack of focus on pregnancy.

I've kind of gotten off track mentally with my sister due the 21st of June. My mind is all over the place. I can't blame it on pregnancy brain. I can only blame it on the unknown. When someone is pregnant I worry that the baby and mom will be ok. With my sister's baby, I know the baby will not be ok. We knew shortly after Christmas That her baby Emerson has Trisomy 18. I was emotionally exhausted when I found out. Things calmed down. Now that time is moving closer to June; I'm freaking out again. It's all too real, and I just don't want to see everyone go through the birth, sickness and possible death of a baby born with Trisomy 18. Emerson will have 2 older brothers that will say hello and goodbye. One of which can't even say his name right. His brother Elijah calls him, "Ermasen." How cute is that?
My Nephew Emerson, taken last week.
I told my work early on that I didn't know what this summer will be like. The person I told forgot. They have me scheduled to teach summer school, they scheduled me to be a speaker for a high school teacher seminar on the 24th of June and I have to get ready for fall classes. I want to thank a couple of my co-worker's for agreeing to help me out! My sister watches my boy's twice a week, so I have to take off time for her to have maternity time. 

I was asked to take photo's of Emerson and I have 2 kids of my own. My children are super close to their cousin's because we share babysitting duties to skip out on daycare. They are the same ages {2 six year old's and 2 three year old's}. I desperately want to be there for Emerson's older siblings and of course for my sister and brother-in-law as well.

A few people have told my husband and I that this is not our problem. If you consider this innocent life a problem, well it is ours. We own him. Emerson is our's because we are a family. We are supposed to be supportive to one another. In my mind there is no doubt that, that is what families are for! 
A long time ago I wrote a poem. I look at this poem for my own grounding support. It made/makes me realize that we shouldn't take life for granted!

I wrote this while in college:

His first breath I wanted to hear.
Minutes passed by; I shed a tear.
A Mother's arms held him tight.
He awoke and started his brand new life.

Life is precious when it begins.
There are no thoughts of an end.
Every step leads to flight,
Eyes start to open with a glimpse of light.

The world is plastic, nothing real.
Even your thoughts seem surreal--
A visual left untold,
Nerves that feel stay within each mold.

The touch of hand forms a bond
Just like a voice captures a song.
So much in life is fate,
Nothing's the same, yet everything relates.

What is under a human's skin?
Is it a puzzle that lies within?
Pieces that twist and turn
Could one day break down and never return.

A baby's last breath sheds a tear;
He didn't even live a year.
People stand in a room,
Staring at a child that left the womb.

1 comment:

Saru Singhal said...

This is so so beautiful. I will bookmark and read it again. Lovely...